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Not Being Angry Ever

I’m writing about this because we sidetracked a post in the forums and I thought it was interesting to warrant a full article. It’s not so much that I want to ram my opinion down the throats of those who disagree with me (I do), but that I feel like my position is misunderstood and I probably didn’t do a great job of explaining it.

I don’t ever get angry. That doesn’t mean that bad things don’t happen to me (they do), but most people I know will tell you that they’ve never seen me angry.

The common misperception is that I don’t deal with anger and I stuff it down somewhere. The theory continues that eventually I won’t be able to contain it and I will unleash my rage. Or that I’ll suddenly become depressed.

People suggest that I “deal with my anger”, which is the common “healthy” way to do things.

So first – my position on it. There is NEVER any reason to be angry. You can’t feel anger unless you also feel helpless. If someone wrongs you, but you have a solution to the situation, you wouldn’t feel angry, right? You’d feel motivated, if anything. Possibly a bit frustrated because you now have more work to do. Anger is a weak emotion.

Someone please try to give me an example that doesn’t fit that description. I tried really hard to think of one, but couldn’t.

When someone wrongs you, which is the classic instigator of anger, you have two choices : accept it or react to it.

Someone knocked over your sand castle? Either accept it and do something else, or build a better sand castle.

What about something where you have no recourse? You did a good job on a paper in class but your teacher is an asshole and he gave you a bad grade anyway. I’d argue that you DO have a reaction here (drop out of school, take it up with the teacher or his superior, etc.), but most people wouldn’t do those things.

In this case, just accept it. Getting angry NEVER ever fixes anything. . Think about that – why would you want an emotion that NEVER helps? It’s like jealousy. Being jealous never helps. People have no problem saying “don’t be jealous”, but they get angry (haha….) when I say not to get angry.

Accept that some things that happen to you will not be optimal. That’s how it is for everyone, so just accept yours. Anything else is just petty and selfish.

To wrap this up – the point isn’t to suppress your anger, it’s to deal with things in a LOGICAL way and realize that anger isn’t a valid or helpful emotion. I’m not saying that this is always easy, but it can be accomplished. Instead of thinking of it as “not dealing” with anger, think of it as “dealing extremely quickly” with anger.

So this all sounds great, you might think, but how do you do it? If someone trips you today you’re going to be angry, right? You do it the same way you do anything – PRACTICE.

When you get angry, think “Am I going to do something about this?”. If you are, think of what you’re going to do and do it (or schedule it if you can’t do it immediately). How can you feel angry after that? You’ve found the solution to your problem!

If you’re not going to do something about it, then say outloud or in your head, “Bad things happen to people. This is one of those things and the best thing I can do is move on.” Maybe that sounds stupid, but when you logically agree that there’s no reason to be angry, you’ll find that you get over things extremely quickly. Think about why you’re being angry and you’ll usually be able to trace it back to a fault of your own, most likely something like, “I know the solution to this problem but I don’t want to do it.”

Enjoy. Magnus, back me up!

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There are 30 Comments.


Funk Demon
May 15th, 2007 @ 12:24 am

Excellent.

But as Tyler says, we are all addicted to our emotional states. Some just happen to be less useful and more prone to cause heart disease than others…


not a doktor
May 15th, 2007 @ 5:35 am

Hey, don’t harsh on the fire in yer belly, sometimes it’s the motivation to get something done.

Getting kinda pissed off at that loose floor board that trips you up? Get a hammer and nails and show it who’s the boss. Just make sure you don’t tap in to the wrong thing and hit an electrical junction and kill yourself.


drew
May 15th, 2007 @ 9:44 am

Amen. Bro, this is right on.

I have consciously made an effort to eliminate negative emotions from my life. People will always argue that “I’m bottling it up” etc. But there is a difference because I never let anger happen in the first place so there is nothing to “bottle up”. This also goes for worry, when has worry ever helped you??

+Drew


cody
May 15th, 2007 @ 10:22 am

Read about DALAI LAMA


Kristen
May 15th, 2007 @ 6:30 pm

I have never seen you more pissed off than the time we couldn’t find a decent, appropriately priced can-opener. You were more upset than I would have been, haha. But I definitely can’t blame you. Screw K-mart and it’s old-asian-ladies-who-stare.


Tynan
May 15th, 2007 @ 7:13 pm

Haha… crap. I forgot about the can opener! That’s the only time it’s ok to be angry. Furious, even.

Tynan


Kelsey
May 15th, 2007 @ 9:59 pm

Looking back I really can’t recall a time I’ve seen you angry. I just realized that I come to you when I’m angry with the world and you always put things in a different perspective for me and make me not (as) angry. You go boy! Thanks for that.


Jake
May 15th, 2007 @ 11:10 pm

As a child, I used to throw tantrums all the time. I think part of growing up is realizing you can’t always get your way. Not losing your temper is just an extension of that. Anger is like any other negative emotion: a signal that something is wrong. There’s no point in wallowing in it. The one time in the past five years I allowed myself to get angry was stupid because it turned out to be an issue of miscommunication. Anger only shows you are not in control of yourself.


Magnus
May 16th, 2007 @ 10:25 am

“Enjoy. Magnus, back me up!”

LOL!!!


Wolfy
May 16th, 2007 @ 5:53 pm

Tynan,
While we do have two choices when wronged (to ACT or ACCEPT), I think anger greatly helps motivate us to make the choice to ACT. To ACCEPT is passive and only requires being afraid or giving up. Anger is the powerful drive that makes us stand up for ourselves and do something.


Kristen
May 16th, 2007 @ 7:27 pm

Wolfy:
YES. Thank you. Anger is as important of an emotion as any. I definitely don’t think a person should be considered “weak” for being angry- unless he or she allows their anger manifest itself innapropriately. Simply “accepting” something you strongly disagree with is weak. It takes a lot of courage and self confidance to stand up for what you believe in and defend the things that matter most to you. However, it takes an equal amount of courage to refrain from going ballistic.
I think everyone gets angry, including you, Tynan; but your method of dealing with the situation is never explosive. Just because you don’t let things that would make most people lose their temper affect you longterm, does not mean they don’t make you angry. You just have enough self control to make the transaction from “pissed off” to “constuctively working through the problem” instantanious.
Both these methods of problem solving are 100% acceptable and effective; some people just need a little fuel to get their engine going.


Evan
May 16th, 2007 @ 8:27 pm

you already know, i back kristen’s position on this one 100%…it’s not having or lacking any feeling that is valid/invalid/superior/inferior/good/bad. it’s all about choices and actions.

but what i really wanted to say is…i know for a fact i’ve pissed you off at least a couple of times. teehee. xo


Rick
May 17th, 2007 @ 2:44 am

I agree with Kristen and Evan on this one. It isn’t the emotion of anger which never fixes anything, it is the initial outward reaction some people have which is the negative in the situation. To say you never get angry is equal to saying you have an issue with your amygdala (yes that really is a word).

Anger can be an extremely productive emotion, it has often been the driving force behind many of my successes when coupled with other emotions. Emotions are so closely linked with each other that it is only one’s own perception that differentiates them in many cases. For example anger and fear, many people really do not know the difference.

I respect how you deal with anger and I try to do the same but I don’t discount that the emotion does happen.


Motown
May 18th, 2007 @ 5:09 am

This may sound slightly esoteric, but I find that if I just stop, and contemplate what is going on, within and without, I gain perspective. I’m not religeous per se, but this is a spiritual practice from Zen Buddhism called Zazen, that helps me get off autopilot so I can see clearly again. Just watching yourself, not negating the emotion, not judging nor even changing anything, is I find enough to give me perspective… particularly useful in business when the pressures get too much sometimes and you can’t see the right course of action.


bigsend
May 18th, 2007 @ 3:49 pm

You got angry at me when we argued over “stylemogging”

Mr. Herballs ;)


Vince
May 19th, 2007 @ 1:59 am

Fuck that shit dude.. now I’m pissed.


Wolfy
May 19th, 2007 @ 5:37 pm

I guess if you immediately know the solution to your problem, you can bypass anger and go right into repair mode, but what about when you don’t know what the solution is, or aren’t even sure a solution exists?

In that case, you can neither ACT or ACCEPT. You’re in limbo. Pissed limbo.


AC
May 22nd, 2007 @ 1:46 pm

The whole post is silly. You say you don’t get angry but then you recognize situations that make you angry and say “Look, I didn’t get angry!” But in fact, you DID get angry you just chose to react to it in a different way. What you’re saying is not “Don’t get angry.” You’re essentially telling people not to dwell on their anger but to move on. That’s fine, but it’s hardly revolutionary. You might as well just refer people to the book, “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff, And It’s All Small Stuff.” But the truth is that philosophy was already hackneyed when that book was written.

There is nothing ineherently bad about anger or jealousy. They can be great motivators.


Arun
May 22nd, 2007 @ 4:36 pm

I think a more appropriate post title would be, “Not ACTING Angry Ever.” Cutting out a primal emotion such as anger is as impossible as cutting out sadness and happiness. Your suggestions are ways of dealing with this emotion in a constructive fashion. Sure I think you can probably “dampen” the anger emotion with practice, but to not ever BE angry seems impossible.


zoro
Jun 15th, 2007 @ 11:54 am

Right on Tynan, being and holding anger inside of you doesn’t do ish but affect you and ONLY you. You get all stressed out, your pressure goes up, loose concentration and so on. So you’re only hurting yourself, unless you go and kick some ones ass because you are angry.


mm
Aug 16th, 2007 @ 12:15 pm

Wise words, Tynan. I recently attended a 2 week cognitive therapy class and was very disapointed by how they covered anger. Basically, it was “everyone gets angry, you have the right to feel anger, here are some coping methods, don’t indulge it and be rational, blah blah blah”.
I agree with you. Anger is a weak emotion that, when indulged, will just get you into trouble. Most anger is a pride thing, anyway. Unfortunately, I still struggle with it every now and then. Like you said, I intend to keep practicing until I abolish that negative emotion from my mind.


Eve
Sep 27th, 2007 @ 8:22 am

Okay, that’s just not good enough. Anger is a very real, valid emotion and while I admire your “strength”, it sounds like you’ve never really been through tragedy. So let me ask you how you felt about being raped, or molested as a child? Had to watch the plane your loved ones were on repeatedly ram into the world trade center lately? Or how about being lied to and cheated on by someone you loved very deeply and then laughed at when it was all over? Ever lost a close friend to cancer or any other disease? Ever watched a sister endure the fallout of an abusive marriage for the sake of her child, or love? Or how about having to watch your unhealthy parents have to hear, one doctor after another, that they’re in perfect health, only when you know that they’re on the verge of a heart attack, stroke and alzheimers? Foreclosure? Bankruptcy? Ever lost a job contract, or a career you invested 10-20 years of your life into? Or how about when your “friends” left you all alone to sort it all out? I’m sorry, but your approach just doesn’t cut it with real life problems.
I’m not trying to burst your rose-colored bubble, but there are many hurting people in the world who’d find your perspective offensive.

The reality is that healing is messy and without the cross of Jesus, none of us would ever be able to overcome. He was perfect, blameless, completely self-sacrificing, healed the sick, fed the hungry, clothed the poor and even though people brutally and unjustly crucified him, he still found the strength to forgive. Just think – after all of that He also saved an unworthy world from eternal separation from God. When was the last time you did that?

I admire your endeavor to conquer this problem, but I disagree with your solution. It requires people who have nothing left to give to reach inside themselves for some inner power. It’s just not humanly possible.

In truth, the proper response to deal with anger is to try to forgive the offender. That is the only way.


Tetra
Nov 27th, 2007 @ 12:35 am

I think that anger can be a good thing, particularly when it is motivated by what happened to someone else. The difference is that anger about what happened to you is more likely to lead to selfish, petty responses, while anger at injustice, or evil can bring clarity and purpose.


B.T.
Nov 27th, 2007 @ 1:58 am

Eve is right, there are things for which anger is a healthy, proper reaction.
Of course there’s a big difference between feeling an emotion and acting on it impulsively.

Be careful when you decide that you can toss out a part of your system that has been being refined through many millions of individual lives- it’s there for a reason, and it’s always worthwhile to understand why.

P.S. For instance, look at the effects of human overpopulation on every living thing on Earth.
Now look at your reaction in “I’m pregnant”.

That’s a powerful force, that can make you think primarily about reproduction as a personal issue.


Ghola
Apr 9th, 2008 @ 3:18 pm

I find it erally interesting that some people really think anger is inevitable. I don’t get angry either. And it’s not that I do but react differently to it or choose not to display it. Really I just don’t get angry. I accept things as they are – calmly – and choose to respond.

However, I will sometimes display anger as a way to communicate with others. Some people might call this manipulative – but sometimes if you don’t respond to something does with a bit of emotion they don’t give credit to the serious nature of the consequences of their actions. So sometimes I will show anger when it’s appropriate – but it’s an act.

To get to a point where this is the default mindset, you have to be very calm. Meditation helps.

BTW I just ran across your site and I like it a lot. I really like your outlook on things.


AlexM
Aug 12th, 2008 @ 5:47 pm

I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!


Adam
Aug 24th, 2009 @ 7:12 pm

The author is an idiot. He states “what good is ANGER if it doesn’t help anything.” WHO THE HELL IS SAYING it has to HELP something?” Let me ask you… does being HAPPY help or change anything??? If someone hands you a million dollars… does being HAPPY about it turn it into TWO million?

NO!!!!

We have emotions NOT to help or change anything but because we are HUMAN! Emotions are our NATURAL reactions to events that happen to us.

ANYONE who tells you to not feel an emotion is basically telling you to cut part of your SOUL off!

Learn to love your anger as much as your happiness. Embrace it.. you are 100% human. -Adam (gross779@gmail.com)


Blaireau
Oct 27th, 2009 @ 8:52 pm

Ack! I love this soooo much. So true, and expressed in words what I knew in my heart.

Thank you good sir, have a very nice day to you! :)


Ryan
Nov 9th, 2009 @ 7:05 pm

I found this post, along with all the comments great. Love hearing what people think. Myself, i think that anger is a nessecary emotion. Of course its not good to go ape shit on people but keeping your anger to yourself wont work for alot of people. It may work for you, thats great! But when releasing your anger is the only way, it shouldnt be looked down upon. that is if the person doesnt kill somebody or something of that nature. I dont know, i find myself between the line with alot of things but this is one that i dont, I try too see the good in certain things. For myself though i find anger great and something we all need.


Lexy
Dec 1st, 2009 @ 3:07 am

What about moral indignation? Like when someone is driving recklessly down the road and you are so mad at him for being such a hazard to the society? The reason I get angry often is not because someone has “wronged me”, but I’m usually enraged by the internal “flaw” that this person has which caused a particular behavior. I can’t help but feel saddened and got angered by it. This is a struggle for me and I am curious what you would say. Not feeling angered is like “tolerating” these people. Don’t you think?

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