The Awesome Card

I’m sick of being treated like an idiot. Last weekend I rented a boat with some friends, and we were forced to sit through a 15 minute talk about boat safety. It was boring and slightly condescending, but tolerable. After the talk I asked if I’d have to listen to it again if I rented a boat next weekend. He said I would have to.

On the highway I am forced to drive at the speed limit even though I’m a better driver and have a better performing car than most people.

When I call Sprint to upgrade my service I am forced to say “no, no, no thanks, no” while they try to upsell me on ringtones and other such digital garbage.

If I ruled the world (which I, of course, plan to do some day), there would be the TDoA (Tynan’s Department of Awesomeness), which would be responsible for evaluating people’s awesomeness and handing out certification cards depending on one’s results.

Awesomeness would comprise of many factors, but the main ones would be :

• Common sense
• Intelligence
• Aptitude to sue someone else for something that is one’s own fault (i.e. McDonalds for giving out hot coffee

Awesome people would have a lot of great priviledges. We’d be able to sit in the back section of the airplane and not listen to the idiotic safety demonstration.

We could swim in swimming pools after they were closed.

The plastic bags given to us wouldn’t warn us of the unnatural danger of putting our heads in them.l

Our movie times would be adjusted so that we wouldn’t have to sit through the cartoon fox telling us to turn off our cell phones.

There would be three bathrooms : Men’s, Women’s, and Awesome’s. Awesome’s can be used by men or women, since there’s no reason we can’t all get along. Also, since only Awesome people were in the Awesome bathroom, the toilets would be clean and unclogged, and there would be a minimum of misspelled erotica scratched into the stalls.

Awesome people would be allowed to run red lights if there obviously wasn’t anyone else coming and they used their blinkers properly.

Sounds pretty great, doesn’t it? Vote Tynan for President in 2032.